


when angels fall

by fictionalrobin



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Death, Dissociation, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Pain, Sadness, So thats fun, based of audioclip, based of song?, but chill he comes back to life, deathhhhhh, i am an evil person and i know this, i mean he's literally dead, kinda??, magnus goes into emotional shock and dissosiates, so he's pretty hurt, thingy?, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-10 03:30:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12903009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalrobin/pseuds/fictionalrobin
Summary: She stood in her nightgown, the same one she'd been wearing that night. It was white, with edges slightly wrinkled from age. In the middle, right above the heart, was a ruby colored stain, like a poppy blooming from her chest."mama?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> YO WATTUP I AINT DEAD (at least not on the outside) *DABS* 
> 
> anyway this is based of the last like 50 sec. of "I couldn't save her-FREE AUDIO" on youtube. so yeah watch that for feels™ or some shit (its really good watch the whole thing)
> 
> DAS IT ENJOY

Silence 

Magnus was cut off by complete and utter silence 

Strange how you can be cut off by that, by the lack of sound. How it can roll around your skull, echoing in the deepest corners of your soul like a scream. 

a silent scream.

A scream so silent it makes a noice.

That's what it sounded like, the silence.

He opened his eyes, only to close them again and then open them, unable to tell difference. He was wrapped in darkness, just as thick and cold as the silence. 

He clenched his fists, unaware of where they hid in the inky blackness and brushed his thumbs over the remaining fingers. Checking that they were still there. That he was still there. 

One 

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

eight

And two thumbs. They were all there, all real. Then he caressed his fingers over his thighs, to see if the rest of him was real too, following them upwards, up his hips and stomach, over his chest and shoulders, untill he reached his neck,

And then he stopped.

He stopped by his neck, because right where his pulse should've been, right where his veins should've been close enough to the skin for him to feel the blood curse past,

There was nothing.

He waited, searching for some sign of movement, anything to indicate that his heart was still pumping.

But nothing.

The silence grew louder and louder, loud enough to morph into a ringing sound. It wrapped around him, snaking up his skin like cold slugs.

He didn't have a pulse

_He_ _didn't_ _have a pulse_

His eyes widened in an attempt to see something, anything through the dark. To find out where he was. 

_I_ _f he_ _was_ _alive_ _._

But there was only darkness and silence. 

Over him.

Under him.

Inside him. 

"Magnus?"

A sudden sound. A voice. It cut through the darkness like a knife of light. He turned around in a frantic search for the source. 

And there she was.

She was the only thing visible in the dark. Like a tiny light.

She stood in her nightgown, the same one she'd been wearing that night. It was white, with edges slightly wrinkled from age. In the middle, right above the heart, was a ruby colored stain, like a poppy blooming from her chest. 

"mama?"

They both stayed frozen, starring at each other in disbelieve. The slight light she seemed to bring reflected on the floor. It appeared to be made out of some kind of hard, glossy material, like glass or ice. Where his mother's naked feet touched the surface, strange patterns formed, like ice crystals frozen on a window.

he hesitantly took a step forward, but stopped, when his mother flinched backwards. Fear flashed over her face, only to immediately be replaced with guilt. 

"I'm..." He started, but she shook her head. Her eyes filled with tears, making them shimmer like two dark crystals. 

"mama..." 

The tears finally spilled, and she let out a sob, as her hand flew to her mouth. 

Magnus's immediately reached out for her, but he stopped himself before he could wipe her tears away. His hand was left to hang in front of her face like a sad ghost. 

"oh god..." She whispered through her sobs,"Magnus..." 

"yes, I'm here." 

"no," she reached her hands out, but they stopped centimeters from his face, like she was afraid he'd disappear if she touched him,"no, no, you're not supposed to be here."

They were standing so close, hands stretched out, but still not touching. It was almost like a poem. 

"mama," he couldn't help the childish tone in his voice,"am I dead?" 

Her lips trembled as she shook her head softly.

"no, no you're too early, you shouldn't be here." 

"but," he swallowed,"what is here? Is this...heaven?"  

"no," she looked around the inky darkness,"no, this is...something else."

She looked back to him, and for a while, her eyes seemed to glaze over, covered by a translucent veil of thoughts. 

"I always wondered what you'd look like," she sighed, before finally allowing herself to stroke his cheek. 

Magnus closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Her fingers were cold but soft and left a trail of comfort down his face, but it quickly disappeared when she pulled back. 

"you look like your father," her voice had suddenly turned cold and frightened, like a poisonous thorn was stuck in between the words.

A frigged feeling spread through his bones at her words, and he opened his eyes. 

His mother had stepped away from him, leaving a trail of frozen shapes, like sprinkled flowers, in front of her. The veil in front of her eyes was long gone, replaced by something, that Magnus didn't want to admit was fear. The space where she'd been standing a few seconds ago, now felt cold and empty. 

"I'm sorry," it was difficult to keep the tears out of his voice. After all, he was a walking reminder of his mothers' trauma, of how his father, a demon, had forced himself upon her, compelling her to give birth to him. 

His mother wrapped her arms around herself, her fingers twitching softly by her sides, like the naked wings of a nestling. She stared at the ground, so her hair fell like a black wall around her face. 

"no," she muttered. Her voice was fragile and thin, like a sewing thread and, Magnus almost feared it would break. He waited for her to continue, only to be met by silence. 

"mama..." he started slowly, before pausing. His heart trembled, like a terrified mouseling, trembled like his hands and voice, and he almost didn't proceed with his question. But he had to know. A painful fire burned in his soul and outshouted the mouseling. A fire, that would eat him up and turn him to dust, if he didn't find out, if he didn't ask. 

"do you regret it?"

For a moment, all was quite, and a thick tension clogged the air like invisible tar. His mother's eyes were wide and shinny, her mouth open in a silent gasp. 

"yes," her voice broke the soupy suspense, and she finally let her arms fall, leaving them to dangle heavily by her sides like broken wings. 

"I regret not being strong enough, not trying to hold on. For you."

Her words ringed through Magnus head, and he sucked a breath in. His heart felt like a water balloon on the brink of exploding. 

"I miss you," it leaked from the water balloon. Bursted out his mouth, and dripped down his chin like the tears that painted his cheeks.

His mother's jar clenched, and she shook her head softly. It was a movement he knew from himself, but only now realised he'd picked up from her. 

"I miss you too," it was small, and the way she said it, almost made it sound like a secret. 

The last bit of water spilled from his heart, and it rained from his eyes, as a choked sob forced itself up his throat. He looked down in an attempt to hide the tears and drew himself backwards, but two hands came to his shoulders to stop him. They carefully fumbled their way around him and pulled him in. 

The hug was shaky, awkward, full of doubt and anxiety. But it was all he could ask for. He allowed himself to cling to her, like he did as a toddler, and even though he was taller than her now, she still made him fell small. He took comfort in this feeling of childishness, of feeling protected, and silently cried into her shoulder. 

His mother's hand came up to brush through his hair. Her nails scrapped lightly over his skull and left a pleasant tingle. She sucked a breath in before she spoke.

"you know this world, it's so very cruel," Magnus could hear the tears in her voice, and it only made his fall stronger,"and hard."

She sniffled before continuing.

"And you'll never be hurt, or sad, or have your tiny heart broken," her words were soft and gentle, reassuring, the way you spoke to a child, yet the sadness in her voice twisted them, turned them into lies that so desperately wanted to be true.

"mama..." There was something wrong, he could feel it. Something inside him tugged, like someone had tied a knot in his heart and now slowly pulled him away, away from himself. And her.  

"I love you," his mother sounded desperate, almost terrified, and Magnus didn't know if it was of her words or him. 

Or 

Something else. 

He wanted to tell her, she had to know. Not only about the knot and how it tightened, made it hard to breath, but that he loved her too. So much

"m-ma-"

"sleep tight my little boy," 

And then he fell backwards. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this ending...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: magnus dissociates here (idk i think thats whats happening)

A faint ringing filling his skull and a dull feeling of ascending upwards, like rising through water. 

Then came the light.

It started out as a tiny dot, so small it was barely there, but as the ringing grew louder so did the light. Grew until it consumed all his senses, wiped his mind clean of anything else. His eyes widened, and his entire body burned as a sudden jab of heat, like a flaming sword, stabbed his chest.

And then he was awake.

He jolted upwards, met by a thousand colors, lights, textures, flavours, smells, rings, beeps, and pain. He drew in a painful gulp of air. His lungs felt flat, like someone had squished them, stretched them out and then tied a knot on them. He violently coughed as he attempted to fill them with air, before doubling over and vomiting on the floor. 

When his stomach was done turning itself inside out, he let himself fall backwards into the bed. The celling was white with rows of tiny holes, and a strong odder of medicine, plastic, and cheap coffee clogged the air. 

The infirmary. 

Catarina was sitting by his side, hands still gleaming with a faint green glow, and behind her stood four pale figures. Clary and Jace, who were clutching eachother in shock, silent tears streaming down both of their cheeks, and Izzy, who appeared to be just as horrified. And next to her

Alexander. 

As soon as they made eye contact, everything froze, except them and their gaze. Alec's face was pale, his eyes swollen and red from crying, but he was still beautiful. In less than a second, Alec was by his side, clutching him so tightly, Magnus thought his bones might break. He could hear Alec's breathing, heavy and uneven, and feel the way his heart pumped under his skin. Pumping, pumping unlike...

"Magnus..." Alec whimpered, mostly to himself,"oh god, Magnus."

In the corner of his vision, Catarina silently got up and shooed the rest of the group out of the room, before following them herself. 

"A-Alexander?" His head was still fuzzy, and his limbs felt stiff. 

The only reply he got was sobs. 

"hey, hey I'm...okay..."He didn't mean to make it sound so hesitant. 

"no," Alec muttered. His voice was hoarse, sanded rough by tears,"you...you were-and then-and, and blood, and..." 

Magnus watched as Alec struggled with his words, and pulled back to brush his hair back. 

"hey, slow down," Alec looked at him, eyes wide and shinny, before he took a deep breath.

"you...we were fighting, o-on Brooklyn Bridge, and there were demons...everywhere,"he paused,"and then you were gone...you fell into the water and...it took hours to find you." 

The last part of Alec's sentence turned hysterical, as he choked on a sob. As he'd been telling his story, a weird feeling had risen inside Magnus, one that twisted and bended and tickled the edges of his memory. 

 _D_ _arkness_ _, a light,_ _silence_ _,_ _something_ _red,_ _sprinkled_ _flowers_ _and_ _nightgowns_

"we-you died," Alec continued his stuttering tale, unaware of Magnus inner battle with his remembrance,"and we called Catarina, a-and she brought you back...but..you, you died, you were gone,"

 _Y_ _ou_ _were_ _gone_

 _I_ _ce_ _crystals_ _,_ _cold_ _fingers,_ _warm_ _tears_

"Magnus?" 

"I died?" 

"y-yeah?" Alec stuttered. He was looking at Magnus, trying to read his bizarre expression. 

"I think...I met my mother,"

Alec's eyes widened,"w-what?" 

And then it all came crashing down, like a trapdoor suddenly opening beneath him and tumbling him into darkness. 

_"I love_ _you_ _."_

Her face suddenly stood crystal-clear in his mind, like someone had taped a photograph to the inside of his skull

"hey?"

Alec's voice sounds distant and muffled, as if his ears have been stuffed with invisible foam.

"m-mama..."

He fisted the Alec's shirt as his hands began to tremble with the rest of his body. The shakes came from all the way inside of him, yet he still felt completely paralyzed. Was this what PTSD was like? No, PTSD didn't come before long after the traumatic incident. Right? Maybe this was shock then, he'd watched a documentary about shock once, but he couldn't remember any of it. 

"hey!" 

He could see Alec's mouth moving, but he couldn't really hear what he was saying. Alec's face was blurry and distorted, but he could feel his eyes. Large, hazel, and still shinning with tears and now something else, something he couldn't quite place. 

"baby," Alec grabbed his face,"baby, look at me," he spoke slowly and calmly, articulating every syllable for Magnus to understand. Magnus blinked and tried his best focus on Alec, but his face kept blurring away and reappearing, like someone was flickering the lights. 

"can you hear me?" 

Magnus paused. Then he nodded. 

"okay, okay that's good, I want you to pick a color."

"wh-what color?" 

"any color you'd like." 

"...g-green." 

Alec gave a shaky smile,"good, now tell me all the green things you can see." 

Any other time, Magnus would've questioned this, but right now, his brain was rattling around his cranium, like someone was using his head as a salad spinner. He looked away from Alec and began scanning the room.

"ehm...g-gloves..."

"good, that's good," Alec encouraged. 

"...b-books...plant...lamp...pen..."He smiled when his eyes trailed back to Alec,"...sweater"

Alec smiled back,"that was great, how're you feeling now?"

Magnus paused. His brain wasn't fuzzy anymore, and the shakes had subsided to a dull quiver.

"better." 

Alec breathed out, releasing the tension in his shoulders,"good." 

Magnus leaned forward into Alec, resurrecting their previous hug. 

"that's good." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that share button doesn't bite, right?  
> i dont think the comment section or that little "Kudos" button does either, but im not sure, why dont you try it out for me ;)

**Author's Note:**

> kinda hate the ending but whatever...


End file.
